It was kind of a rough weekend. There was nothing particularly wrong with it, I just kind of hit a productivity breaking point. My plans for the weekend were to spend Saturday catching up on some work stuff, resting Sunday, and then taking care of a bunch of errands on Monday. Things didn’t really go that way though.
I ended up taking a little Molly on Saturday. I wanted to test a small dose to see how it affected me with my Bupropion. On the plus side, it didn’t seem to have any negative affects. On the negetive side (minus side?), I basically got nothing done on Saturday, which increased my anxiety on Sunday. But on Sunday I did little more than eat pizza and drink beer. I did get all my errands done on Monday, which was pretty good I guess.
I think the medication is really helping me. It is hard to describe but it kind of takes the harshness off my anxious moments. I still feel that “fight or flight or freeze” mechanism kick in during certain circumstances, but it doesn’t really spiral like it used to. I’m able to calm down a little and walk things back. I also seem to be better at using reason to adjust my priorities.
When I’m doing something that isn’t particularly productive two fairly new experiences happen that encourage me to get things done. First, I can more calmly see that my “laziness” isn’t a huge deal and I shouldn’t beat myself up for needing and wanting downtime. In the end, it is okay if I take a weekend off and don’t work or write every single day. This actually has the strange effect of encouraging me to be productive. Second, I am doing a better job of thinking about how my actions will benefit me in the future. Simple stuff like “hey, if I get the house clean before I watch Netflix then I’ll be able to watch it more guilt-free” or “If I knock out this work responsibility today then I won’t need to worry about it this weekend” become convincing and help me get shit done.
So yeah, it wasn’t a fabulously productive weekend but I don’t feel too bad about it either. I’m not behind on any of my work, my writing is starting to take shape, and I’m getting more and more comfortable with my fitness level. A day or two without exercise, work, or writing doesn’t feel like a huge betrayal anymore. Things are feeling pretty good.
So, those are the two issues I’ve identified that may be making Thursday a little rough for me. Hopefully, some minor adjustments will correct this and allow me a full week of productivity and creation.
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