Curiosity Over Certainty

It is pretty likely that everyone reading this is human. It is also pretty likely that the majority of creatures that we interact with, love, and hate are also human. So, I think it is very important to try and understand why we humans think the things we do, act the way we do and find ourselves disagreeing so strongly with each other. We are all made up of the same flesh and bones but we come to drastically different conclusions on things. The easy way out is to dehumanize other people, to assume there is something wrong with them, that they are wrong (obviously, because my perspective is so clearly right).

But, when we take the easy way out we do ourselves and our community a disservice. The truth is, I should not be certain I am right because there really is no “right” perspective. All of our points of views and opinions and passions and habits are shaped by a combination of our genetics and environment, and if I had grown up in a different place or time then my views would be different than they are now. I have had your life, then my thoughts would be very similar to yours. If I lived the life my mother did then I would be a conservative Christian who abhors drug use, sexual promiscuity, non-heterosexuality, and non-monogamy. If my mother had grown up with my life then she would be taking Molly, engaging in pleasurable acts with many consenting adults, explore bisexuality, and tend towards polyamory.

Conflict arises when we see our perspective as an absolute truth, which eliminates opportunities for understanding, compromise, and love. As is stated in “Difficult Conversations” by Sheila Heen, Bruce Patton, and Douglas Stone (my current morning read):

There’s only one way to come to understand the other person’s story, and that’s by being curious. Instead of asking yourself, “How can they think that?!” ask yourself, “I wonder what information they have that I don’t?” Instead of asking, “How can they be so irrational?” ask, “How might they see the world such that their view makes sense?” Certainty locks us out of their story. Curiousity lets us in.

So, as I encounter people who make decisions or have points of view that don’t make sense to me I’m going try and be more curious. What information do they have? What have life experiences led them down that path? What would make a reasonable, rational person have that point of view?  Whether they are Trump or Clinton supporters, atheists or evangelicals, straight-edge or drug use advocates, polyamorous or monogamous, vegan or meat-eaters, white nationalists or cultural internationalists, these people I meet all have experiences that differ from mine that has drawn them to their current perspective… and I would gain a lot by being curious, learning their stories, and striving for understanding.

It can gain a lot of understanding and compassion simply by changing, “They are wrong/evil/should be destroyed” to “What would have to happen in my life so that I would agree with what they are saying? What experiences would push me in that direction?”


Quick Day 1 Update of “Operation: Shut Off Facebook and Become Who You Want to Become”

Things went pretty well yesterday. I was (and still am) riding that productivity high that comes from starting a new project. I took yesterday off of work (except for sending out an invoice and a few quick emails), which helped with my overall productivity but I think quitting Facebook has freed up about 1-2 hours of time. My only concern is that I’ll find some other shitty thing to replace it… so I got to stay on top of that.

Yesterday, I fasted and ended up losing about 7 lbs (probably less than 1/2 lb was actual fat and the rest was just water weight, digestive tract, glycogen, etc.). According to my phone, I consumed 550 calories and burnt about 1600 from exercise. I know that counting exercise calories is a really imperfect science and I’m not really aiming for certain numbers (on the scale or otherwise) but keeping count does help motivate me.

Overall:

  • woke up at 6am and did my morning studies
  • ran five miles
  • spent an hour at the gym
  • did 30 minutes of yoga
  • recorded 30 minutes of a podcast
  • finished one book
  • went grocery shopping
  • spent 30 minutes on CodeAcademy
  • wrote a blog post
  • cleaned the house
  • meditated
  • took an ice shower
  • started GRE studying

Today is off to a good start as well and I hope to keep busy. I’ve found that when I give myself too many moments of downtime I ended up procrastinating, so moving quickly from task to task is important for me. I’ve also found that masturbation seems to kill my productivity, so I’m trying to save that for the end of the day (daily orgasms are important for your prostate health… so go do that).

Wanna stay in touch? Got a question for me? Want to tell me why I’m wrong and are curious how I got everything so backward? Have an idea for a blog post? Drunk and wanna send me a snapchat? Feel free to reach out at any of the ways below while I take a Facebook break!

Email address: pjneiger@gmail.com
Instagram: @peterneiger 
Questions:  pneiger.sarahah.com or www.surveymonkey.com/r/XYRDXHH
Snapchat: @pneiger

I Did Everything The Wrong Way

My partner and I are in the process of buying a house. It has been hectic and stressful and exciting, particularly when I think about how impossible it should have been. I’m 36 years old and I stopped living paycheck-to-paycheck just last year. I haven’t had a real savings account ever and my Roth IRA has less than one years worth of investment in it.  I haven’t lived in one city for more than 2 years since I was 18 and I’ve had 5 jobs in the last 8 years. Only one year of my entire life have I made more than $30,000.

Yet, here I am about to buy a house and putting 20% down (well, technically 10% down because my partner is covering 10% but I actually could put 20% myself if needed).

So, how am I stable despite seemingly actively working against any sort of structure or stability or traditional path?

Because I pursued what was right for me. Though, the pursuit has been indirect. More often than not I was running away from what I knew didn’t work for me instead of running towards something I knew would work. I found a life perfect(ish) for me by process of elimination. I didn’t try to make the traditional path work for me, I didn’t try to change myself, instead, I went on a different path.

By all accounts, I should have monogamously married the first adult love of my life, secured a steady job in finance or economics or something, had a couple of kids, and slowly put money into savings accounts, 401ks, and college funds. But I didn’t want that… monogamy, steady work in the same place, children, low-risk investments… that life doesn’t appeal to me.

Instead, I decided to be true to myself and discover what life I could have. And by taking that risk, by quitting jobs and ending relationships and moving around the country and deciding to live a life of adventure before retirement, I ended up in a great place.

The purchasing of this house isn’t the end of my pursuit of an artistic, rebel, true-to-me life. The odds are pretty good that we will be moving out of this house in the next 3-5 years and trying out a new city or country. But it is very symbolic, it shows that I could have all the rewards of tradition if I wanted them. That trying something new isn’t necessarily a path into the wilderness or uncharted territories. New paths cross old paths often and we can switch how we live our lives at almost any point.

Nothing is guaranteed, maybe this risk will turn out to be nothing like I expected (much like moving to LA was), but it will be an adventure and learning experience. And if/when I die I won’t regret it.

Do you have a question or comment for me? Feel free to use the links below. There is literally nothing that is off-limits (as you will probably notice if you read through the on my AMA page). You can also email me if you want a personal response and I won’t post anything publicly if you want privacy.

Sarahah: pneiger.sarahah.com
SurveyMonkey: https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/XYRDXHH
Email: pjneiger@gmail.com

Oh, and if you get some value out of this I’m always accepting tips and my book is available via the Amazon link below on Kindle and paperback.
Book: http://amzn.to/2f2tkYi

PayPal: pjneiger@gmail.com
Bitcoin Wallet: 3BZQcA31awrYj7LAXmMY5armp5s1T2gpsL
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Looking To My Heart

“Look into your own heart. Unless I’m crazy, right now a still small voice is piping up, telling you as it has ten thousand times, the calling that is yours and yours alone. You know it. No one has to tell you. And unless I’m crazy, you’re no closer to taking action than you were yesterday or will be tomorrow. You think Resistance isn’t real? Resistance will bury you.”
– 
Steven Pressfield, “The War of Art”

I have stories in my heart screaming to be told. I imagine everyone else does as well. Maybe it is the written word, like me, or maybe a painting, a song, a business, an adventure. There is this aching inside of me that longs to be set free but there is a barrier up, this “Resistance” uses all the tricks it can to keep me docile, keep me safe, keep me unfulfilled, keep me average.

So, what can I do? How can I fight?

Well first, that story must stop just circling around my mind and I must translate it to words. I don’t know how the story begins or ends, I don’t know who all the characters are (or even who the protagonist is), that hasn’t been made clear to me yet… but I trust it will in time. The only thing that is really somewhat clear is the world I want to build. So here is the basic idea of the world I want to build.

I want to explore a fantasy “D&D” style world that is grounded in science. Humanity has conquered nearly everything and has started exploring the stars. They are immortal, can travel instantaneously, can alter space and time and matter, but on one world something goes wrong. Maybe they face a species with similar technology or a rare natural occurrence erases their advancements or something else entirely that I haven’t figured out yet.

Regardless, thousands of years pass and a subset of the human population grows and evolves in this world with other species. The technology partially remains, as does the DNA of their ancestors, and it continues to grow and evolve and adapt even if the source of the technology is lost to time. These super-human powers are magic to the intelligent life on the planet because they have forgotten their history.

I haven’t worked out all the kinks (obviously), but this world will be populated by the “classic” species like elves, dwarves, humans, etc. who are all either ancestor of the humans who landed or the species that originally inhabited the planet. They have the power to transport or control the physical world through technological artifacts and long-dormant genes that occasionally show themselves.  Gods and goddesses exist as the inhabitants of space stations stuck in orbit around the planet. Each station has a different power set and the inhabitants have different personalities, maybe one has gone insane from immortality and isolation.

So, that’s the basic idea. I need to more formally identify the different species, magic, and gods, as well as the scientific principles that make their powers possible. As Arthur Clark said, “Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.” And I’d like to find away to make all sorts of magic out of technology.

Do you have a question or comment for me? Feel free to use the links below. There is literally nothing that is off-limits (as you will probably notice if you read through the on my AMA page). You can also email me if you want a personal response and I won’t post anything publicly if you want privacy.

Sarahah: pneiger.sarahah.com
SurveyMonkey: https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/XYRDXHH
Email: pjneiger@gmail.com

Oh, and if you get some value out of this I’m always accepting tips and my book is available via the Amazon link below on Kindle and paperback.
Book: http://amzn.to/2f2tkYi

PayPal: pjneiger@gmail.com
Bitcoin Wallet: 3BZQcA31awrYj7LAXmMY5armp5s1T2gpsL
Ethereum Wallet: 0x05F040cd6FB61377c375d487A37229359Dd6D976

For The Love of Life

At D&D on Wednesday one of the other players commented that she liked my gym photos on Facebook/Instagram because I look like I am suffering. I’m not sure if she hates me, was flirting, or something else, but she is correct, I am usually pretty miserable at the gym (and while running).

I’ve never been someone who enjoys working out. I don’t find it relaxing or therapeutic. I don’t easily jump out of bed and throw on my shoes to pound the pavement. I do everything I can to procrastinate it including, but not limited to, cleaning the house, masturbating, reading, writing, doing laundry, etc. But I do try to exercise daily for one simple reason: I love life a whole fucking bunch.

From all the research I’ve read there are a few key factors in our control that can increase the quality and quantity of our lives: don’t smoke, exercise regularly, eat whole foods plant-based diet, drink water, and sleep. Everything else is just details. So, I exercise in order to increase my chances as a longer and more pleasurable life. It sucks, but I view it as an investment. I spend 4.17% of my day in order to make my one life better then that is probably a good payoff, particularly since the gains are not only a longer life but one in which I can do things I’m interested in…

I want to climb mountains and camp under the stars and see the Pyramids, Great Wall of China, Pantheon, Dead Sea, Red Square, and Antarctica. I want to raft down rivers and sail across oceans and take a spaceship to the moon. I want to know what it feels like to be exhausted and sweaty and bleeding as I wander up to the top of a mountain and see the world below me. I want to weep tears of joy and suffering as I see land for the first time in days or weeks.

I want to dance at my great grand-nephew’s wedding. Cycle across the country with my partner when I’m 100 years old. I want to be able to give 1,000 pints of blood. I want to see what the next five generations of Neigers will be like.

Sidebar: Despite having five siblings (four of which are male), at this point, there is nobody carrying on my last name. That doesn’t really matter to me, I just find it funny. My sister has two boys but they took her husband’s name (as did she when they got married) and I my two brothers who have reproduced have only had daughters. This isn’t important, just kinda funny.

I want to know what my body is capable of, whether that is getting a six-pack, trying out for American Ninja Warrior, or climbing Mount Kilimanjaro without a shirt. My body is the greatest gift I have ever received, I don’t know if there is a conscious source of this gift but I am still going to try and respect it, care for it, and take it to the limits. It would be a shame to go to waste because I don’t want to be uncomfortable for 4.7% of my day.

I want to live. I love life and to get the most out of this (probably) one life then I need to suck it up and go for a run, lift some weights, and practice yoga. Very few things are within my sphere of control but, to some degree, my body is.

As I think about it, this love of life is really a big part of a lot of my identities. I’m a vegan because I love life and don’t want non-human animals to suffer or die for my pleasure. I’m an atheist (partially) because I love this life and want to make the most out of this one existence, looking towards an afterlife would hold me back. I’m an anarchist because I see the state as the largest threat to and violator of life and freedom would expand life. Part of why I’m polyamorous and pansexual and a psychonaut and kinky is because I want to taste and experience love and intimacy and reality in as many forms as possible.

So, that is why I run and lift and suffer. That’s why I pay money for someone to push me beyond my comfort zone or why I sign up to run with strangers at the buttcrack of dawn. Because in those moments I experience life and I expand my potential for more life in the future. And damn it, I love life.

If you have a question or comment feel free to use the links below. There is literally nothing that is off-limits. You can also email me if you want a personal response and I won’t post anything publicly if you want privacy.

Sarahah: pneiger.sarahah.com
SurveyMonkey: https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/XYRDXHH
Email: pjneiger@gmail.com

Oh, and if you get some value out of this I’m always accepting tips and my book is available via the Amazon link below on Kindle and paperback.
Book: http://amzn.to/2f2tkYi

PayPal: pjneiger@gmail.com
Bitcoin Wallet: 3BZQcA31awrYj7LAXmMY5armp5s1T2gpsL
Ethereum Wallet: 0x05F040cd6FB61377c375d487A37229359Dd6D976

“Whole Motion” by Derek Beres

I’ve read a couple different places that the most successful people in America read around 60 books per year. It isn’t because they have more free time, it is because they use their time in a way that allows them to consume more. I don’t know if there is a specific direction of causation between success and reading, but I would be willing to bet that they are a feedback loop.

Anyway, I am trying to up my reading and want to read one book per week. That’ll bring me to 52 books, I think the other 8 will come from the Audiobooks I listen to. I may never get caught up on Game of Thrones but maybe I’ll find tools and methods that help create the success I want. As I finish books I plan on writing a brief summary of what I read. Having a blog post in mind helps me really study the material and reviewing it helps me retain the information.

So, my first book is “Whole Motion: Training Your Brain and Body for Optimal Health” by Derek Beres. I can’t remember if someone recommended this book to me or if it just popped up on my Goodreads feed because it matched my interests, but I’m glad that I got a hold of it. Beres views health and human optimization in a similar way that I do. Our different areas of life cannot be compartmentalized and that healthy practices in one area can positively impact other areas. For example, regular physical exercise can improve cognitive abilities and mental health. Our body is one unit that includes a lot of different parts that depend on each other.

Beres divides his book into three parts: Setting the Stage, Movement, and Mind. In Setting the Stage he runs through his hypothesis, that we are meant to move, change is good, the body and mind are tied together, and that regeneration (rest, stretching, etc) is a necessary and often neglected part of health. To back up his hypothesis, Beres provides just enough scientific research and biology refresher to support his claims without getting overly technical (though he does provide a lot of references for further reading). I actually really appreciated this approach.

In the second section, Movement, Beres starts providing concrete things that we can each do to add more healthy movement to our lives. Nothing in this book requires any special equipment, each physical exercise can be done in the home with body weight. While each of the subsections could be performed in isolation, it is actually beneficial (and one of Beres’ arguments) that health comes from utilizing all the techniques. Nothing in here is magic or a silver bullet. On the contrary, Beres reminds the reader many times that everybody is different, but the variation from each subchapter does work to reinforce healthy habits and provide variety to the workout.

The second section, Mind, moves us into non-exercise related habits. Meditation, healthy eating, flow states, music, community, and technology are all addressed. This section was really beneficial to me and I enjoyed the practical advice that he gave. Some stuff (like eating healthy and meditation) I was familiar with but the benefits of certain types of music and community were kind of new.

Overall, I loved this book. I highly recommend it to anyone who is interested in finding some concrete steps to get a little more out of their life. Beres does a great job of providing evidence for his theory and reminding us that we are animals that evolved in a different environment and that by being aware of that and embracing play and nature we can improve our lives. Health isn’t about ripping muscles or fast marathon times, it is about improving the quality and quantity of our time in this beautiful universe.

Got something to say? Wanna buy me a beer? There are many ways you can show support and connect with me! Send me a message anonymously via Sarahah or SurveyMonkey or email me. If you’re interested in a bike adventure I went on you can read my book! And I’m always accepting tips via PayPal or Bitcoin.

Sarahah: pneiger.sarahah.com
SurveyMonkey: https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/XYRDXHH
Email: pjneiger@gmail.com
Book: http://amzn.to/2f2tkYi
PayPal: pjneiger@gmail.com
Bitcoin: 3BZQcA31awrYj7LAXmMY5armp5s1T2gpsL
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Supporting or Enabling

I’ve been drawn to the field of psychology for most of my adult life. In fact, before stumbling upon a copy of “Freakonomics” my freshman year my plan was to major in psychology. Alas, I ended up majoring in economics instead (I certainly don’t regret that, but it is interesting to think about how my life would have gone if I stuck with my original plan) but I still read books on psychology frequently and ponder the issues of the mind.

Due to some recent reading, I’ve been wondering about where the line is between being a support system for someone and being an enabler for negative behavior. It seems to be such a gray area with no clear answer, but I can’t help but wonder if some people (with the best intentions) end up hurting someone long-term as they attempt to provide short-term support. There are two scenarios that pop into my mind.

The blow off valve
Sometimes, in order to change our lives, we need to face the full consequences of our situation. We need to feel the emotions and direct our desire for change at the actual problem, but when we have a friend that allows us to vent to them it can actually prevent us from taking action. Take, for example, a person who is in a bad relationship. Maybe it isn’t anything abusive but two people really aren’t compatible together long-term and they even recognize it. But, instead of ending the relationship they vent to their supportive friends. This venting literally releases pressure and allows the relationship to continue when it really shouldn’t. Would the friend be making the right choice to withhold support in hopes that without a method of venting the relationship will end as it should?

Minimizing the Situation
We all want to support our friends and tell them that they are loved, but we aren’t really helping them if we aren’t honest with them. If a friend has a behavior that is harming their goals or health then we maybe we shouldn’t be supportive. Telling someone that their drinking, unhealthy eating, lack of exercise, weed habit, video game playing, masturbation, constant shopping, etc isn’t a big deal is doing them a disservice if they have expressed a desire to get healthier, stay sober, be thrifty, create art, etc. Support is more than telling someone that everything will be okay or that their behavior isn’t a big deal isn’t being a real friend, even if the action isn’t a big deal when viewed in a vacuum. Sometimes support is less important than accountability.

Anyway, that’s the random shit on my mind as I try to get back into the habit of writing daily. The second situation seems easier to manage than the first, but I don’t necessarily know how to handle either one that well. I try to be a great friend and confidante for the people in my life, but I am worried that maybe I’m doing more harm than good…

Got a question or comment for me? Send your questions or comments anonymously to this form and I’ll address them.  My life is an AMA and no subject is off-limits. I want to know what is going on inside that head of yours. 

The Rest of the Story

Yesterday, I posted a spontaneous update to Facebook and Instagram. I realized that this week was the one year anniversary of when my partner and I decided to stop our 2-year bike adventure and I wanted to share/celebrate some of my accomplishments. I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished and I consider the last year of my life to be the best one I’ve ever had. I don’t think there is anything wrong with publicly sharing our successes… people do it all the time in large ways and small, we share graduating college or mastering a new skill or writing a book or how our kids are doing.

One of the beautiful things about the world we currently live in is technology allows us to celebrate with each other and be inspired by each other. Those magic moments allow us to live and experience a taste of thousands of lives, but lives aren’t always happy and successful and it is important to be realistic about our struggles.

So, this blog post is complete the story of my last year a bit by sharing some of my struggles and failures.

  • I expected to have converted my book into an Audiobook and consider myself a professional writer. Neither of those things has happened. The audio recording has stalled out because I keep procrastinating and letting the perfect defeat the good. Instead of making the time to create I look at that microphone and come up with excuses. I don’t view myself as an author and there is an internal dialogue that tells me my book isn’t good, that it doesn’t count because it is a memoir, that all my ideas are unoriginal, that self-publishing is cheating. I often blog to put off my creative writing.
  • While I’m happy with my current fitness level I have had a lot of struggles staying motivated and consistent. This is particularly true for a four-month period when I basically didn’t exercise, ate too much, and drank too much. Looking back, I think this was a period of mild depression for me.
  • Financially, I haven’t been as wise as I should have been. I’ve blown money on stupid video games, I have purchased books that I didn’t need and probably will never read, I bought pizza and beer in moments of weakness, etc. I wanted to be approaching debt free at this point but each month I still seem to rely on my credit card for that final week or so and have only been making minimum student loan payments. Part of this is that I’m torn, it seems wiser to invest in Bitcoin and Ethereum than pay off my student loans because the growth is larger than the interest rates but that sword is still dangling over my head. On a positive note, I seem to have replaced frivolous spending with more spending on investments, which is probably a good thing.
  • I have been unable to get a yoga, meditation, or new language practice going. On a good week I meditate and practice a language 7 days and go to yoga once, but I rarely have a good week. Most weeks are 2-3 times for the meditation or language and no yoga. I see the value in these practices, I read the articles and understand the logic, but when the time comes for me to do them I make excuses or distract myself with stupid stuff.
  • I still spend WAY too much time on Facebook. I haven’t found a great way to deal with that yet. My life is so short and valuable and it hurts my soul to know that I waste it scrolling and liking and sharing articles unnecessarily. I could get so much more accomplished if I could trim this deadtime.
  • My self-control fails when I’m offered free, non-vegan pizza. I’ve identified as a vegan for several years now but recently I have had a very difficult time saying no to temptation (forgive me father, for I have sinned). I am working on coming up with a strategy to address this, but I’m disappointed in myself. I don’t have a lot of ethical standards but “minimize harm” is one of them and consuming animal products increases the market for harm.

So… those are my big failures in the last year. I know that no year will be perfect. I’m excited to see where I am in June 2018, I know it’ll be a hell of an adventure. I don’t have any real particular goals but maybe I can get this debt down, climb Mount Adams, have saved enough for eye surgery, and finish another book or three. Blargh. I keep thinking about actually writing down some actual goals. I just finished reading “The ONE Thing” and I’m currently reading “The 10X Rule” and one of the threads that runs through both books is setting awesome, specific goals and shooting for the stars or else you will be wandering without direction or fall below your potential. Maybe I will do that… I think Tim Ferris recommends it too in his book (but I might be mistaken).

Anway, I’m still in search of the system that really works well for me long-term. I’ve found one for my body, but not yet for my productivity. I feel like I’m on the verge of one though that melds the valuable insight from The 10X Rule, The ONE Thing, The 4-Hour Workweek, On Writing, and The War of Art. The journey continues…

Want to hear my thoughts on something? Wanna help me out by providing me inspiration for a post or story? Think I’m wrong and want to yell at me about it anonymously? Send me a message!  www.surveymonkey.com/r/XYRDXHH 

The Brain is a Body Part

The following post is about mental health. These are my experiences and are in no way meant to be prescriptive for other people. I realize that the issues we each deal with are complex and varied, and that my experiences are likely very different than others. This is not a post about how to solve mental health problems, it is simply a post about things that seem to have worked for me and how my body seems to function.

We tend to separate the brain from the body. At best, we see the two as having a symbiotic relationship but we also treat them as independent and operating in a vacuum. When I first realized that I had some mental health issues that needed professional help I saw a therapist and started my own research. There was a lot of information about medication and therapeutic techniques to help both the foundation of my problems and some of the ways it has manifested itself (trichotillomania, suicidal thoughts, depression, etc) but I can’t recall ever having a discussion about overall health practices.

Eating right, drinking water, sleeping enough, and exercising regularly was never mentioned by my therapist as something that I should be doing. Looking back, I feel like that is a huge gap. My brain is a body part and the practices that keep my heart and lungs healthy, strengthen my muscles, maintain a healthy level of body fat, and provide vital nutrients to my organs are also beneficial to my brain health (which is the physical location of mental health).

Looking back, there appears to be a clear correlation between my mental health improving and adopting healthier habits (even though I adopted those healthier habits for other reasons… mostly to get laid). While I think I have a fairly healthy lifestyle now (see below for details), it started very incrementally. Adopting little practices like going for a morning walk for 15 minutes outside before breakfast or replacing soda with carbonated water or turning off computer screens an hour before bed started a snowball effect towards better body health (which includes the brain). I’d guess that it has taken five years or so for me to get to the point I am now, and that journey has had many struggles, but the difference between my mental health now and in 2012 is night and day.

I guess I just think it is a shame that I’ve never had a therapist sit down with me and go over my diet or exercise routine. I know that therapists aren’t dietitians or nutritionists or personal trainers, but having a base knowledge in these subjects (or partnering with professionals in those fields) could be incredibly beneficial to the parents. Medication helps, therapy helps, meditation helps… but other things help as well. Cutting out bad food helps, drinking water helps, getting outside helps, running helps. At least that is my experience.

So, what are my health practices like now? Every day is imperfect, but here is what an ideal day would look like. Looking at the list of daily practices it seems like I do a ton of stuff, but when I cut out Facebook and shitty TV I actually end up with downtime at the end of the day for more reading or an evening walk.

Daily Practices
Outside exercise in the morning (anything from a 10-minute walk to a 7-mile run)
Stoic reading – a short, daily exercise
Write (journaling, blogging, fiction writing, anything at all)
Meditation
Work on a new skill (foreign language, musical instrument, coding, etc)
Sleep from 10pm-6am (8 solid hours, though I’ve been waking up early recently and I’m not sure why)
Weight lifting or yoga
Read daily
Cold shower or bath – sometimes 60 seconds, sometimes 15-minutes
1-2 additional daily walks, usually during lunch and after work

Diet – ~1,800 calories (No, I’m not hungry all day. Yes, I get plenty of protein for health and muscle growth) – Carb/Fat/Protein = 55%/25%/20% (~Grams 260/55/95)
8 cups of water
2-3 cups of coffee
5 cups of green tea
3 servings of nuts/seeds
3 servings of fruit
3 servings of non-leafy vegetables
3 servings of leafy vegetables
2 servings of legumes
2 servings of whole grains
1 serving of nut milk
1 serving of plant-based protein powder
1 serving of nutritional yeast*
B-12 supplement*
Choline supplement*
8/16 intermittent fast (I have an 8-hour window to eat, usually 10am-6pm

So, that’s where I am right now and I feel like my body (including my brain) is the healthiest it has ever been. If you have any practices that you have worked for you I’d love to hear about them, I’m always looking to improve and experiment. Leave me a message on SurveyMonkey.

*These are due to my vegan diet and may not be necessary for others. Though, I highly recommend running your daily diet through a program like www.cronometer.com to discover any nutrients that may be lacking. I was shocked at some of my deficiencies and some of the nutrients I was getting too much of. For me, focusing on calories or the fat/carb/protein distribution was not the best way to find a healthy diet. Instead, I started with the needed vitamins and minerals and build a diet that met all my needs, the rest just fell into place and I ended up with around ~1,800 calories that was 55% carb, 25% fat, and 20% protein (260 grams, 55 grams, 95 grams)

Richard and Lucy (Rewrite)

Alright, as part of my concerted effort to improve my writing and make this into a career of sorts I rewrote the writing prompt from “On Writing” that I talked about in the previous post. I think this is much better, it feels truer. I am also going to submit it to Stephen King as he requests (Edit: Stephen King no longer accepts submissions… womp womp). I’m not sure if I’m going to significantly revisit this writing prompt again anytime soon but I do need to come up with more things to write about for my 1,000 words a day habit. Tomorrow, I plan on addressing some questions sent to me via SurveyMonkey (so get them in soon and I’ll probably respond tomorrow).

Content Warning: Violence, mental health issues, psychological thriller/horror style writing


Richard and Lucy

Richard felt relief as he opened the door to his newly sold house. Today would be the last day that he we would cross the threshold into this house that used to be a home. Instead of furniture and pictures and toys littering the rooms there was nothing but brown boxes stacked with simple labels written on them to make organizing the new home easier. Each word representing a room and a dream. Silverware and plates in a box marked “Kitchen” where Thanksgiving dinner would be made. Towels in a box marked “Bathroom” where he and his wife would bathe their newborn child. Picture frames and mementos in a box marked “Living Room” where they would curl up and watch tv, surrounded by testaments to their joyous life of adventures. Bedsheets in a box marked “Master Bedroom” where he and his wife would eventually, after much practice, give their daughter a new sibling. But those dreams were shattered and Richard knew that he had to finish packing up reality and get on the road.

His new life in a new, safe town was hundreds of miles away and there was a lot of packing to be done. His closest friends offered to help him with the final day of the move, but he decided to do it alone. Their optimistic visions of music, pizza, and beer as a final farewell felt too fake to him. This wasn’t a joyous occasion and it wasn’t a communal one. No, he knew he needed to do this alone. Even his daughter, the only person he knew loved him, was absent. At six years old, she was too young to really help and he didn’t want her to see him cry over these boxes of broken dreams. She needed to know that he could protect her, that he was strong, that things would be okay. Besides, he knew she would have more fun at her grandparents’ house and they wanted to spend just one more day with their granddaughter before Richard and her drove off into the sunset.

Without conscious thought, Richard aimed his phone at the wireless speakers that sat on shelves throughout the house and pressed play. The house erupted.

*symbols and drums*

*guitar screech*

Jealous cowards try to control
Rise above! We’re gonna rise above!

The living room, dining room, and kitchen went smoothly as his body got into a routine. Lift box. Move box to the truck. Put the box in the truck. Repeat. Each brown square sitting on top of each other, a simple game of Tetris with the same shape in varying sizes. His mind was completely turned off, lost in the task of moving and the angry voices that echoed throughout the house. The hours passed quickly.

Then, he entered the bedroom and his mind came to life. This room, a place where he and his wife cuddled, made love, stayed in bed all day, fought about finances, and acted silly was where their love began and, eventually, died. His eyes glazed over and he felt an impending panic attack. Usually these attacks were triggered by sites that reminded him of his time in the military, but there was no such trigger around. This room was a trigger. Suddenly, smells flooded back to him. Her favorite perfume, her hair, her scent. He sat down, put his head between his hands and tried to focus on the music, but the music suddenly stopped and the speakers beeped.

**Incoming call from… Mom**

A flash of light.

Darkness.

The world started to come into focus and all Richard could think of was rabbits. Rabbits running in circles. No, they weren’t rabbits he realized. It was a merry-go-round, the one near the beach. His daughter was on one of the rabbits and waving. He was happy.

Then, the rabbits started to disappear as reality returned. He tried to beg them to return but all that came out of his mouth was a groan and spit and blood. He blinked his eyes and tried to focus on something, anything, but it seemed too difficult. Movement appeared to his right. A being in white. An angel, she was humming. He was in heaven. He smiled and relaxed

Darkness.

Richard awoke again and this time things came into focus more quickly. The rust started to come off his soldier’s mind and he consciously realized for the first time that he was in danger. This wasn’t a panic attack and he wasn’t in heaven. There were no rabbits.

He began to scan his body from top to bottom.

Head: hurting from the rear, warm liquid flowing down his neck, he was conscious so no major blood loss, possible concussion.

Senses: No impairment.

Torso: Sitting position on floor facing corner, left side sore with possibly bruised ribs, arms secured behind back, felt like rope, no apparent injuries

Legs: Untied, no apparent injuries. Phone still in his pant pocket.

Conclusion: Culprit is either very sloppy or wants to talk and doesn’t fear him running

Options: Scream for help – unlikely to work due to the distance to nearest neighbor and daytime traffic. Try and move – possible but with unknown assailant(s) and their position, better to preserve energy. Wait and observe – best option, feign weakness.

Richard groaned and coughed slowly, pretending to just wake up.

“Well, well sugarplum! I’m glad to see you awake. I’ve missed you!”

Footsteps approached from his right and out of the corner of his eye he saw a flowing white wedding dress. His ex-wife, Lucy, beaming as brightly as she did on their wedding day. His first fleeting thought was how beautiful and sexy she still looked, fitting into the tight dress seven years after she first wore it. Even the veil brought about a sense of secrecy that he found erotic. His second thought was how strangely appropriate it was that instead of a bouquet of white flowers she gently held the small handgun that he had bought her and taught her how to use. The macabre image was highlighted by her perfect white dress sullied with blood splatters.

“Aren’t you excited for our second wedding?” she asked. “This time our bond really will be for eternity. But first, you need to get dressed!” Her body vibrated with excitement, her face almost childlike as it beamed joy.

He turned to see her and noticed that his tuxedo was draped across one of the boxes. This was a bad situation, but Richard started to become confident. He was larger than her, well-trained, and if he had his arms free he knew he could overpower her when given the right opportunity. She was armed, but that didn’t concern him too much. The handgun was a small caliber and one gunshot from that weapon wouldn’t be fatal unless it was in the head, an unlikely situation if he acted wisely. He knew that one-shot kills and hitting targets while tangled in a fight can make for good cinema but reality was messier and more confusing.

She began to untie him while slowly humming “Here Comes the Bride”. He knew that this could be his best chance to overpower her. If he could stand quickly while she was off balance he could grab the gun, overpower her, and get control of the situation. He started his internal countdown, his senses heightened.

*Five*

“Now, I hope you don’t get cold feet,” she said.

*Four*

“I would hate for something bad to happen…”

*Three*

“…to that bitch that you love more than me.”

*Two*

“If you try anything you may find her corpse…”

*One*
“Wait. Are you going robot on me again?!? You emotionless drone!”

*Pause*

“You always do this! You can’t love meeee anymore can you?! Only that stupid bitch!”

*Abort*

With those words, all thought of escape or fighting stopped. He had to know what she meant before trying anything. If Lucy had put their daughter in danger he knew he had to get information out of her first. He walked over to the tuxedo and slowly, nervously put it on. He had stripped in front of this women many times in his life, but this felt different. He was stripping in front of an enemy, and that vulnerability was difficult to overcome. Senses his reluctance she smiled and said, “Aww, do you want that to be a surprise for our consummation? That’s so adorable!” and she turned around. He dressed quickly, sliding his phone into his tuxedo pocket.

“Okay, I’m ready,” he said after getting dressed.

“EEEEE, you look so handsome!” she said as she walked over. She adjusted his tie a bit and then smiled. “Perfect. Time to get married again!” she said, pointing the gun at him, her face suddenly serious, “go into the study.”

He was painfully aware of how tight this hallway was as they moved to the study. It was barely big enough for two people to pass each other if they turned sideways, and even then, bodies inevitably rubbed together (a happy quirk of the house that has lead to a spontaneous quickie between two lovers on more than one occasion).

At the end of the hallway he slowly opened the door. The light flooding in the windows prevented his eyes from adjusting for a moment, but when they did he witnessed a scene of horror. At the center of the room was a makeshift altar built out of boxes and decorated with flowers and weeds from the garden. Toilet paper was hung from the ceiling and walls, the white broken up by splatters and streaks of red blood. Behind the alter was a dead postal worker in uniform, a clear gunshot wound through his left eye. His right eye was open, staring blankly at the floor and his swollen tongue pressed out between his lips. Blood snaked across the floor, filling in the imperfections of the hardwood floor. The smell of death and shit and piss filled the room.

Richard instinctively recoiled back into the gun that was pressed into the back of his neck. “Don’t worry, my love. I know he isn’t a priest, but as a government employee I am sure he can marry us.” He could hear her smiling through the words. There was true joy in her voice, once again she was that young woman excited for her wedding day. She sounded happy and healthy and joyous about the future, a future that none of them could predict.

His mind continued to race through every possible scenario. Did she really have their daughter somewhere? Or was that a lie? How did she get her? Where could she be keeping her? He wanted to fight back but couldn’t take the risk, he had to play along until he knew the truth.

“Lucy, darling, don’t you think we should have a flower girl for this special occasion?” he said.

“That would be wonderful! But unfortunately, we don’t have time. The ceremony is starting. I love you so much, Richard!”

Lucy walked over to a laptop that was sitting on a box in the corner and pressed a button. The familiar “duh duh da duh” of “Here Comes the Bride” pounded out of the small speakers. Something felt off about the recording to Richard, the music seemed muted and imperfect. It wasn’t until Richard heard a man say, “Dearly beloved…” that he realized that this wasn’t a song, this was a live recording of their actual wedding from years ago.

Lucy took Richard’s hand and looked up at him. “Soon this will be over and we will be able to consummate, don’t tell my parents but I’m looking forward to that as much as this ceremony,” she said. “And then one quick errand and then we are on to our honeymoon! Just the two of us!”

Their short ceremony went by in a blur as Richard’s mind raced trying to find a solution. He pretended to recite his vows as the recording played and Lucy pressed closer to him humming and swaying. Once recording announced that they were married and she let out a cheer, put the gun down, grabbed his face, and kissed him deeply. She quickly headed for the door, dragging Richard into the mostly empty bedroom.

“Hmm, well this isn’t very romantic. We can’t make love on the floor, that isn’t going to work.” She looked around and seemed lost in thought. “I know! We won’t make love, we will fuck instead. We can definitely fuck on top of boxes.”

She stripped quickly out of her dress and stared at Richard. “Take off your clothes my love, we can’t fuck if you aren’t naked.”

He slowly complied.

She looked down at his naked body and scoffed. “What’s wrong? Can’t get it up for me anymore? Or were you always faking? I knew you military boys were just closeted gays. All that time bunked up together fried your brain. Oh well, close your eyes and use your imagination if you have to. Because if you don’t fuck me then that bitch of yours is going to spend the last hours of her short life gasping for air and wondering why her daddy didn’t save her.”

She moved closer to him and started grinding against him, his body responding at as always had to her. Soon his body was ready and she smiled. He felt such shame in the pleasure, his mind was fractured between what he knew he should do and what his body wanted to do. It didn’t take much effort to reconcile the two. If he needed to have sex with her to keep his daughter alive he would.

So, he bent her over the boxes and fucked her.

Their bodies found the well-developed routine and rhythm that comes from a decade of practice and soon they both lay panting on the ground with their clothing as a makeshift blanket. For a moment, Richard forgot his daughter and what brought about this whole situation. For a moment, as he looked into Lucy’s eyes, he remembered falling in love with her in the first place.

“I’ll be back in a second and then we can head to Mexico for our honeymoon,” she said as she stood up and walked towards the guest bathroom. Over the next few minutes heard the toilet flush, the sink run, and the sound of Lucy rummaging through boxes. He knew time was running out. They would never make it to Mexico. Lucy was acting too neurotic to get on a plane and driving for three days was impossible. Besides, there was likely a warrant out for Lucy’s arrest. He didn’t know how she got out of the facility but it was likely violent and people would be looking for her. He had to overpower her now and force her to tell her where their daughter was. If that didn’t work all he could do was hope the police would be able to help.

When she returned she was fully dressed and holding the gun in her hand again. “Time to go! Put your clothes on, we have a long trip ahead of us.”

He got dressed and, as they started walking down the hallway. He knew that exiting the hall into the front room would be his best chance. The room opened in a way that would allow him to quickly move to the side of the entryway and get control. He began to steady his breathing and get his mind back into “robot mode”. He became a machine, violence was his job, his training took over and he pushed his humanity deep into his subconscious. She wasn’t his ex-wife or lover, she was the enemy. She was going to kill his daughter. This was self-defense. He wasn’t doing anything wrong.

As he walked ahead of her he could feel the gun pressed into the lower right part of the back. Good. Even if she got a shot off he knew it wouldn’t be immediately fatal and if he spun to the left the gun would shift right away from his body. He had walked this hallway thousands of times and knew how many steps it was to the end. He put his hand into his pocket and felt his phone.

He began counting down steps.

*Five*

Visualize the attack

*Four*

Be ready to improvise

*Three*

Overpower

*Two*

Don’t kill

*One*

Get the weapon

*Now*

Richard pressed the play button on his phone and the house speakers erupted.

The position being taken

She froze in surprise at the music.

is not to be mistaken

Richard spun to the left and raised his left arm. The momentum of his body drove his elbow into her face, making an audible crunch. She had been looking slightly left and took the force of his blow straight on the nose. Blood exploded onto the walls and her vision went blurry. The gun fell to the ground as she instinctually reached up to her face, but her arms never got to her wound. Richard was too quick. He restrained her arms and pushed her to the ground. He straddled her body, pinning her arms against her torso.

As calmly as he could muster he asked, “Where is my daughter?”

“YOU FUCKER! I’M GOING TO CALL THE COPS! YOU BEAT ME JUST LIKE MY DAD BEAT MOM! YOU ASSHOLE!”

“Where is my daughter?”

She started giggling. “You mean ‘our daughter’?” The laughing grew stronger. “She’s fine. She’s in the back seat of the car waiting for us to drop her off at grandmas before our honeymoon.” Her body started to convulse in laughter and she doubled over as Richard jumped off her and sprinted towards the front door. In the back of his mind, he knew that what she said didn’t make sense, but his body was in control.

He lunged out the front door and saw Lucy’s car in the driveway. Inside a familiar strawberry-blonde ponytail pressed into the backseat window. He ran, joy flooding his mind at the sight of his daughter. He tugged on the back door. It was locked. He started banging on the window. “Honey! Honey! Open the door for me, sweetie. Please, Molly! Open the door!”

His daughter didn’t respond.

Then, slowly, his screaming mind overpowered his instincts and he fully realized that something was wrong. His daughter wasn’t moving. Her head was limp against the door. Her pajamas were stained red.

He heard laughter behind him.

He turned to see Lucy, gun in hand.

“You thought I’d let you leave me for that bitch!?”

She raised the gun and took a perfect stance. He could see her eye lined up with the front sight post, exactly as he taught her.

“She always was a good student,” he thought.

A flash of light.

Darkness.

Richard and Lucy

Hey, everyone, I’m sorry that I haven’t blogged over the last few days. There are two reasons for this.

First, I took this last weekend off of basically everything. On Thursday I felt myself hitting a mental breaking point and realized I had been pushing myself a bit too much. A close friend of mine recommended that I schedule a break from exercise, healthy eating, writing, etc. and just spend two days doing whatever the hell I wanted. So, I did that. I ate pizza, rolled, drank beer, took naps, watched terrible TV, etc for two days and it worked like a charm. I am not more motivated than ever to write and work and be healthy. I may start scheduling in break weekends every 3-4 weeks.

Second, I’ve been trying to spend more time on my fiction writing. I have found that blogging can sometimes (though not always) actually hinder my writing. It makes me feel like I accomplished something while I procrastinate doing the work I actually need to do. It is like when I spend an hour researching and planning a workout routine to start tomorrow when it would have been better to just spend that time exercising (even if the exercising wasn’t perfectly efficient). So, my blogging may be a bit sporadic for a while as I force myself to write fiction first and only blog when there is a specific idea I’m passionate about or if I get a question. That being said, II have a couple of posts (including an “Ask Me Anything Question”) that I need to get to and hopefully, will later this week.

So, with all that in mind, this post is a rough draft of a writing exercise from Stephen King’s “On Writing” (my favorite author and a fantastic book overall for artists). The basic premise of the exercise is that King gives a prompt and then the author’s job is to excavate the story, much like an archaeologist excavates a historic site. Authors do not “create” as much as they “unearth”. This is my short story based on King’s prompt. I have not proofread or edited this at all, this is just a stream-of-consciousness style story that is in desperate need of editing (particularly the beginning… I don’t feel like I hit my stride until the second half), but I wanted to share it with you anyway.


“Richard and Lucy”

Despite the boxes stacked throughout the house, the building felt empty to Richard. Nothing had gone according to plan. His life was supposed to be complete by now… a beautiful wife, a perfect child, a stable and lucrative career. But, except for the perfect child, none of that came to be. The boxes in the empty house were proof. He couldn’t figure out exactly where things went wrong but somewhere they did, and now he stood alone in the doorway to his recently sold house and mentally prepared himself for the exhausting task of the boxes into the truck.

His friends asked him if he wanted help. They had all been so supportive, even when he didn’t want the support. Maybe it was his foolish masculine pride, or maybe it was years of military service that hardened his heart, but whatever the reason he wanted to empty the house alone. Even his daughter was absent, but that was for the best. She would have more fun at her grandparent’s house than watching her old man haul boxes as blood, sweat, and tears dripped onto the floor of this home of shattered dreams.

After a long look around the entryway, Richard took his phone out to pick some music. Nothing modern fit his mood. No, for this moment he returned to his youth, his punk days of dyed hair and hatred of authority. Drugs, sex, rock and roll, that’s what he needed. Music that matched his mood, a mood that matched his mind, a mind that knew everything was just fucked up. With music blasting through his headphones he began to move boxes, his body working harder than it had in years.

The living room and dining room went smoothly as his body got into a routine. Lift box. Move box to the truck. Put the box in the truck. Repeat. Each brown square sitting on top of each other, a simple game of Tetris with the same shape in varying sizes. Richard’s mind was completely turned off, lost in the task of moving and the angry voice of Henry Rollins damaged his eardrums. He was so lost in the moment that he didn’t notice anything strange about the breeze coming from the back of the house, the slightly opened box in the kitchen, the smell of perfume that wafted through the air, the tickle in the back of his mind that his military buddies fondly called “Spidey sense”. Any sense that something was wrong was pushed down into the deep caverns of his mind where he stored trauma, despair, and visions of his war crimes that he wouldn’t even tell his therapist.

His mind didn’t escape the music until it was rudely interrupted by a text message. The screeching guitar of “Padded Cell” in his headphones interrupted by a harmonic beeping. He set down the box and pulled the phone out of his pocket. The screen flashed, New Message: Mom – “Call me ASAP 911!!!”

A light flashed in Richard’s head and then he was falling, the taste of liquid metal filled his mouth. Everything went black.

The world started to come into focus and all Richard could think of was rabbits. Rabbits running in circles. The rabbits started to disappear as reality returned. He blinked his eyes and tried to focus on something, anything, but it seemed too difficult. A sweet smell filled his nostrils, an impossible smell, one that reminded him of hate and love. He couldn’t quite place it. The world went dark again.

Richard awoke again, this time things came into focus more quickly and the habits of his prior career started to kick into gear. The rust started to come off the mind of a soldier and he realized for the first time that he was in danger. He started a conscious scan of his body. His head hurt, possibly struck in the back of the head. He was alive so no major blood loss, though his mouth or nose was bleeding. Shoulders and arms felt fine, but he was in a sitting position and restrained. It hurt to breathe and he felt pain on his left side, probably a bruised rib. His legs felt fine but they have spread apart and restrained. He wasn’t blindfolded but he was sitting facing a corner of his house and had limited visibility.

He thought about his options.

Scream for help? He wasn’t gagged but there was no way a neighbor would hear him scream for help, and whoever did this clearly wanted to talk.

Try and move? He could probably shift his body around but he would risk tipping over and further injuring himself. No, he needed to preserve energy.

He knew he needed information and needed to catch his enemy by surprise. He subtly coughed, hoping to appear weak but get the attention of whoever attacked him.

It worked. After the second cough, a familiar voice came from behind him.

“Well, well sugarplum! I’m glad to see you awake.”

Footsteps approached from his right and out of the corner of his eye he saw a flowing white wedding dress. His ex-wife, Lucy, beaming as brightly as she did on their wedding day. His first thought was how beautiful and sexy she still looked, fitting into the tight dress six years after she first wore it. His second thought was how appropriate it was that in place of a bouquet she gently held the small handgun that he had bought her and taught her how to use.

“Aren’t you excited for our second wedding?” she asked. “This time our bond really will be for eternity, but you need to get dressed first.”

She spun the chair around and he saw his tuxedo draped across a stack of boxes. She began to untie him while slowly humming “Here Comes the Bride”. He began to run through scenarios for escape. He was bigger, stronger, and faster, but she was armed. But, one gunshot from a weapon that size was unlikely to be fatal, particularly if he were to grab her quickly. One-shot kills and hitting moving targets makes for good cinema but reality is messier and more confusing. If he could stand slowly and then spin quickly and grab her he could easily overpower her and get control of the situation.

“Now, I hope you don’t get cold feet. I would hate for something bad to happen to that bitch that you love more than me. If you try anything you may find her corpse some day but you’ll never see her alive”

With those words, all thought of escape or fighting stopped. He had to know what she meant before trying anything. If Lucy had put their daughter in danger he had to get information out of her first. He slowly walked over to the tuxedo and slowly, nervously put it on. He was surprised to feel a bit embarrassed as he stripped out of his clothing and put on the formal wear in front of Lucy. She had seen him naked thousands of times, but she had never seen him vulnerable like this.

“Time to get married again!” she said, pointing the gun at him, “go into the study.”

He moved slowly down the hallway into his study and upon opening the door found a makeshift altar built out of boxes and decorated with flowers and weeds from the garden. At the center of the room, the fresh body of a postal worker slumped in a chair, blood from a gunshot wound pooling on the floor. As he recoiled from the room he felt the gun pressed against his head.

“Don’t worry, my love. I know he isn’t a priest, but as a government employee I am sure he can marry us.” She said with a smile on her face. For the first time, Richard got a good look at Lucy and could her blond hair and wedding dress be dotted with blood. His mind raced with every possible scenario. Did she really have their daughter somewhere? Or was that a lie? He couldn’t take the risk, he had to play along until he knew the truth.

Lucy pressed a button on the laptop in the office and the familiar “duh duh da duh” of “Here Comes the Bride” pounded out of the small speakers. Something felt off about the recording, the music seemed muted and imperfect. It wasn’t until Richard heard a man say, “Dearly beloved…” that he realized that this wasn’t a song, this was a recording of their actual wedding from many years ago.

“Soon this will be over and we will be able to consummate, and then on to our honeymoon! Just the two of us!”

The short ceremony went by in a blur. Richard’s mind raced trying to find a solution while Lucy recited vows and joyously hummed next to him, except for the pistol in his ribs he almost thought she didn’t even know he was there.

The recording announced that they were married and she let out a cheer, dropped the gun, and drug him out of the office to the bedroom. She opened the door to find a nearly empty room filled mostly with boxes, the bed packed up the day before into the back of the moving truck.

“Hmm, well this isn’t very romantic. We can’t make love on the floor, that isn’t romantic. I guess we will need to just fuck instead,” Lucy said. She started to strip out of her dress and, upon seeing Richard standing still started screaming, “TAKE OFF YOUR SUIT! WE CAN’T FUCK CLOTHED!”

He slowly complied.

She looked down at his naked body and scoffed. “What’s wrong? Can’t get it up for me anymore? Or were you always faking? I knew you military boys were just closeted gays. All that time bunked up together fried your brain. Oh well, close your eyes and imagine if you have to because if you don’t fuck me then that bitch of yours is going to spend the last hours of her short life gasping for air and wondering why her daddy didn’t save her.”

She moved closer to him and started grinding against him, her hand stroking him until he was ready. He felt such shame because it felt so good, his mind was fractured between what he knew he should do and what his body wanted to do. It didn’t take much effort to reconcile the two. If he needed to have sex with her to keep his daughter alive he would. So, he bent her over the boxes and fucked her.

Their bodies found their well-developed routine and rhythm that comes from a decade of monogamy and soon they both lay panting on the ground where they used their clothing as a makeshift blanket. For a moment, Richard forgot his daughter and what brought about this whole situation. For a moment, as he considered Lucy’s eyes, he remembered falling in love with her in the first place.

“I’ll be back in a second and then we can head to Mexico for our honeymoon,” she said as she stood up and walked towards the guest bathroom. Over the next few minutes heard the toilet flush, the sink run, and the sound of Lucy rummaging through boxes. When she returned she was fully dressed and holding the gun in her hand again. “Time to go! Put your clothes on, we have a long drive ahead of us.”

Richard knew that they would never make it across the Mexican border. Lucy was acting too neurotic and there was likely a warrant out for her arrest right now. He knew he had to stop this right now. If he could overpower her maybe he could convince her to tell him where their daughter was.

He got dressed and decided to make his move when they left the hallway into the front room. The room opened in a way that would allow him to quickly move to the side of the door and get control. He began to steady his breathing and get his mind back into “soldier mode”. He became a machine, violence was his job, his training took over and he pushed his humanity deep into his subconscious. She wasn’t his ex-wife or lover, she was the enemy. She was going to kill his daughter. This was self-defense. He wasn’t doing anything wrong.

As he walked ahead of her he could feel the gun pressed into the lower right part of the back. Good. Even if she got a shot off he knew it wouldn’t be immediately fatal and if he spun to the left the gun would shift right away from his body. He had walked this hallway thousands of times and knew how many steps it was to the end. He began counting down.

*5 more steps*

Each step took less than a second but it felt like an hour.

*4 more steps*

Visualize the attack but don’t get hung up on the details.

*3 more steps*

Be ready to improvise, run through scenarios.

*2 more steps*

Overpower her, don’t kill her

*1 more step*

Don’t forget about the gun.

*Now*

Richard spun to the left and raised his left arm. The momentum of his body drove his elbow into her face, making an audible crunch. She had been looking slightly left and took the force of his blow straight on the nose. Blood exploded onto the walls and her vision went blurry. The gun fell to the ground as she instinctually reached up to her face, but her arms never got to her wound. Richard was too quick and restrained her arms. He pushed her to the ground and straddled her body, pinning her arms against her torso.

As calmly as he could muster he asked, “Where is my daughter?”

“YOU FUCKER! I’M GOING TO CALL THE COPS! YOU BEAT ME JUST LIKE MY DAD BEAT MOM! YOU ASSHOLE!”

“Where is my daughter?”

She started giggling. “You mean ‘our daughter’?” The laughing grew stronger. “She’s fine. She’s in the back seat of the car waiting for our honeymoon.” Her body started to convulse in laughter and she doubled over as Richard jumped off her and sprinted towards the front door.

As he left the house he saw Lucy’s car in the driveway and a familiar blonde ponytail in the backseat. He ran, joy flooding his mind at the sight of his daughter. He tugged on the back door to find it locked and he started banging on the window. “Honey! Honey! Open the door for me, sweetie”.

His daughter didn’t respond.

Then, slowly, he started to realize that something wasn’t right. His daughter wasn’t moving. Her head was limp against her chest. Blood flowed down her neck onto her dress.

He heard a cackling behind him.

He turned to see Lucy, gun in hand, laughing.

“You thought I’d let you leave me for that bitch!?”

She raised the gun and took a perfect stance. He could see her eye lined up with the front sight post, exactly as he taught her. “She always was a good student,” he thought.

A flash of light.

Darkness.

 


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