I haven’t spent much time on dating websites or apps. They were starting to become pretty common and popular when I lived in DC but, aside from a short-lived OKCupid account, I missed that trend. During that time I also solely identified as straight and had not really explored or accepted my more nuanced sexuality. That means I’ve never really looked for a male partner online.
Well, recently that has changed. With my partner’s support, I’ve started using AdultFriendFinder and similar sites to find more open-minded couples and singles in our area. I’m not looking for sexual partners per-se, but I am looking for non-judgmental friends that won’t judge me if they find out that we define monogamy a little more physically loosely than others. Originally, I was worried that all we would find were people that wanted to fuck but I’ve been pleasantly surprised to find a wide variety of people who want a wide variety of things on these sites.
I guess I’m not alone in my desire to not feel alone.
Overall, it has been a pretty positive experience with one major issue: the guys.
I realize that these sites are primarily for swingers but getting inbox full of dick pics and “Hey, wanna fuck?” is something I haven’t experienced (though, I’m sure 99% of my female friends have). This brings me to the purpose of this blog, to ask a question and to give some advice.
Question: Is this dick pic, monosyllabic message method actually work?
I have a hard time believing it does but it is so prevalent I wonder if I’m wrong. Maybe it is the relatively low cost to the men to do this. Maybe it is insecurity on their part and they are looking for some attention, any attention, or any validation that they are attractive or sexy. So, instead of being more vulnerable by showing their faces or personality, they just put a series of poor-quality cock pics they took with their phone.
And it isn’t even just the messages. Entire profiles are nothing but two dozen dick pics, as if we need to see it from every angle in every light in order to make a decision.
“Man, I was totally against a threesome with that guy until I saw dick pic #87, something about the way the cock looks in that mirror with the dirty bedroom in the background really put things in a new light. Let’s fuck”
I know that when I was prone to send dick pics unsolicited in the past it is usually, though not always, because I’m feeling lonely and insecure. So, I turn to something unnecessarily shocking and hope to get attention. I really can’t apologize enough for my shitty behavior in the past. I don’t know if I am still friends with any of the women I acted this way towards, but my god I am so sorry. It is never acceptable for me to use my insecurities and weaknesses in a way that violates the consent of others. I wish I could change the past.
Is that why these guys do this, or is it because they actually and truly think their dick is special and their best asset. Which brings me to my comment/advice.
Gentlemen, you are more than your dick and it is not your best asset.
Listen, I know it is absolutely exhausting and time-consuming and risks your ego to put your face and personality in your profile, and to send actual thought-out messages that show you read the profile of the person/people you are interested. But I truly believe that it will yield better results. Is your current method working?
Big dicks and dick pics are a dime a dozen online, it really isn’t that special. What is special is someone who shows that they are a real person with interests and sends an actual articulate, well-thought out message. If a couple’s profile says, “We’re looking for like-minded people in our area to build a friendship with,” then a dick pic, a “let’s fuck” message, and a blank profile probably won’t get a response. And you do want a response, right? Or are you just on these sites to try and feel powerful by waving your dick around.
Have a little pride in more about yourself than something you have zero control over. You are a multi-faceted person and turning yourself into nothing more than a sausage who can string 4th grade level sentences together is dehumanizing. Show the world that you are complete.
I imagine most people looking for a male partner are less concerned about our phalli than they are about our personalities and whether we are respectful, kind, and compatible with their desires. Yes, it is riskier and makes you more vulnerable to show a high quality picture and fill out the profile, but if you are paying ~$100 to use the site shouldn’t you put some effort that might get results?
But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe sending out a dozen dick-pics a day gets you what you want more effectively than I realize. But as someone who is now on the receiving end of those dicks, I am deleting most of them and only responding to the people who show me they think with the head between their ears.
Wanna stay in touch? Got a question for me? Want to tell me why I’m wrong and are curious how I got everything so backward? Have an idea for a blog post? Drunk and wanna send me a Snapchat? Wanna become penpals and send each other letters in the mail?
Feel free to reach out at any of the ways below while I take a Facebook break!
Email address: firstname.lastname@example.org
Questions: pneiger.sarahah.com or www.surveymonkey.com/r/XYRDXHH
Also, I wrote a book about a cross-country bicycle ride I did!
“Wandering Oak: A Rite of Passage”