I was recently asked by an old friend of mine how I knew that my partner was the one I was to marry. It’s an interesting question that I have an answer for but first, let’s discuss the premise that there is a “one and only” out there for people. I realize that my friend may have been speaking more metaphorically than literally, but I wanna chat about it anyway.
“The One” idea seems to suggest that there is a right person to marry. Now, I’m not saying that there isn’t a wrong person to marry. In fact, there are probably MANY wrong people to marry. What I’m saying is that there isn’t just “a” person to marry. I think there are MANY right people to marry. My partner was one of the right people for me to marry considering the life I was living at the time (and continue to live). There may come a day when our lives do not match up anymore and we would rather end our romantic partnership peacefully and with appreciation for each other instead of letting things fester until we hate or loathe each other. We are both undoubtedly going to grow significantly during our lives (at least I hope so) and as much as we hope to grow together that may not be the case. So, we’d rather divorce than suffer. The success of a relationship isn’t determined by whether it lasts until one person dies, it is determined by whether the people in the relationship are better off because it happened.
Shit, I kind of went on a rant there. Sorry.
So, what is it that made me realize was someone that I could be in a successful relationship with? Simple. Sex, Drugs, and Rock ‘n Roll.
Sex – Sexual compatibility and satisfaction are very important for a relationship. There doesn’t need to be a 100% match, but there should be some solid overlap currently and a willingness to try new things as you grow. I actually don’t think this compatibility is primarily about physical sensations, I think it has more to do with communication and openness. You should never, ever marry a person if you aren’t comfortable sharing your fantasies and interests with them. Get spanking, pegging, role-playing, golden showers, voyeurism, threesomes, clown fetishes on the table before you exchange rings. Hopefully, they will be willing to try and do things with you. If not, then hopefully they will support you exploring your interests elsewhere. If they are against you finding full completeness in your life then it isn’t a good match.
Along with this is what you define as cheating or inappropriate behavior with people someone who isn’t your partner. Is flirting cheating? How about kissing? Are you interested in lifelong monogamy or can things be (or get) a little monogamish? Is a polyamorous or sexually open relationship something you are opposed to, interested in, or require? Do you honestly think you can be completely satisfied with life if you never have intimacy with another person? These can be tough conversations but they should be had openly and explicitly. Don’t go into a marriage assuming you are on the same page with flirting, sex, friendships, kinks, desires, curiosities, etc. Don’t enter into a marriage with secrets that you plan on introducing later and do go into a marriage hoping the other person will someday come around to your way of thinking.
Drugs – A successful partnership means having a similar tastes in drugs. Now, I’m not saying anyone needs to take actual drugs. Y’all don’t need to be a hippy MDMA lover like me (I wish you were… but to each its own), but you and your partner(s) should have something shared that gets the heart pumping and gives you some aspiration in life. Maybe you love to travel or create art or praise Jesus. There should be something that you share and can do together that fills your heart and mind and loins with excitement.
I don’t think you need to have ALL the same passions. In fact, I think it is probably pretty healthy to have some passions that your partner is apathetic about. What is really important is that the things that you value all fall in quarters 1 or 4 on the falling chart (and, obviously, all your partner’s interests fall in 1 or 4 also). Basically, you don’t want someone who will be a hypocrite and/or not support you. Partnerships are not about restricting each other’s opportunities in life, they are about expanding them and growing together.
Rock ‘n Roll – What is your lifestyle going to be like? There are some very important lifestyle questions that don’t really have a middle ground. Things like kids and how you will raise them are obviously big ones, but there are others that should be discussed. We all have a vision for what our lives will be like and the adventures we will have. If you have an interest in living in many different cities or traveling the world or building a cabin in the woods or going back to college then you and your partner should be on the same page. If you pretend to be on your deathbed looking back on your life, is there any adventure that missing out on would fill you with regret? Whether it is traveling to Europe, writing a book, raising kids, or learning a foreign language, these things should be discussed with your partner.
So, that is basically how I knew that my partner was someone that I wanted to marry and not just keep dating. It is generally easy to decide when to stop dating someone, you stop when you aren’t having fun and don’t realistically see the fun returning. Marriage requires looking into the future while things are fun and taking a good, hard look at how compatible your life is indefinitely.
My partner passes the sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll test for me (and I do for her). Our emotionally monogamous but physically more open life filled with travel, molly, and spontaneity works great for us. When I have a new idea for an adventure or a passion then she either shares that passion or is willing and able to support me while I explore it alone. Being with her has opened up so many new doors in all three categories.
Now, I don’t know if this relationship will forever, but after five years we continue to be excited about each other, we try new things, and we support each other. And I hope that five becomes 105.
Wanna stay in touch? Got a question for me? Want to tell me why I’m wrong and are curious how I got everything so backward? Have an idea for a blog post? Drunk and wanna send me a snapchat? Wanna become penpals and send each other letters in the mail about life in general?
Feel free to reach out at any of the ways below while I take a Facebook break!
Email address: firstname.lastname@example.org
Questions: pneiger.sarahah.com or www.surveymonkey.com/r/XYRDXHH
Also, I wrote a book about a cross-country bicycle ride I did!
“Wandering Oak: A Rite of Passage”