Last Month

Dear lord, has it really been a month since I blogged? Blargh. This year is going by at a blinding speed and, to be honest, I’m not really proud of my accomplishments. The first half of the year went well, but in the last couple of months, I have had a really hard time getting things going. I’m kind of embarrassed at how this blog has become little more than me struggling to get things started over and over again.

Oh well, every day is new and focusing on the past won’t fix anything. I’m trying to go easy on myself, but I am a bit disappointed in how little I have accomplished. My writing has basically stopped, as have my studies and exercise routine. I continue to be amazed at how hand-in-hand everything seems to go. I seem to operate at 100% or 10%, I either have a full day where I meditate, write, work, study, read, run, lift, etc. or I have an empty day where I get nothing done at all, there seems to be no middle ground. The only thing I was consistent with was answering Sarahah questions because I really enjoy those.

This last month has been particularly difficult, in no small part because of some random life events that happened and I used them as excuses to slack off. I┬áhad a work trip to Greenville, my wisdom teeth removed, had a vacation in Charleston, a planned work trip to Orlando, and an upcoming vacation to Lake Tahoe. Yeah, that seems busy but in reality, it only accounts for about 21 days out of 42 days. So, half my time was taken up by events but the other half was my own, and I have done almost nothing. Instead of thinking “man, my time is limited so I better take advantage of it”, I thought “man, what’s the use if I can only get two days of productivity in a row at a time”.

Well, I’m going to try and do better. I have six days until I fly to Lake Tahoe and I’m going to try and improve my productivity. Instead of shooting for a good week or month, I’m going to just try and have a good hour or day. I know that betting on my motivation is not the best option, but I really don’t know what else to do. Most people that seem super productive advise me to set up incentives and systems that will get me what I want, but what if I really don’t seem to want anything? I made a list of “tasks” that I can earn points to buy things I want with, but the list of things I want is so freaking small. I don’t really like going out or playing video games, I don’t want to buy anything and I don’t really get pleasure out of Facebook or other social media (those are more like numbing opioids than pleasure inducing MDMA). Basically, because I’m not at risk of starvation or homelessness I have trouble incentivizing myself. I’m gonna keep trying though, because once you stop trying you might as well bury yourself in a coffin.

I made a list of “tasks” that I can earn points to buy things I want with, but the list of things I want is so freaking small. I don’t really like going out or playing video games, I don’t want to buy anything and I don’t really get pleasure out of Facebook or other social media (those are more like numbing opioids than pleasure inducing MDMA). Basically, because I’m not at risk of starvation or homelessness I have trouble incentivizing myself. I’m gonna keep trying though, because once you stop trying you might as well bury yourself in a coffin.

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