The last week or so has felt very hectic to me, like I’m spiraling out of control and away from my goals. It is frustrating and difficult and I’m annoyed with myself for letting even a small part of my life fall victim to chaos.
But with time that annoyance passes and I see the beauty in the chaos and realize that is where life is truly lived. Those moments where I lose control, where days drift by, where I neglect my nutrition and fitness and sleep schedule are the days that I live for. I use periods of control to strengthen myself so that I can jump into chaos with minimal repercussions.
There were times in my life when a weekend of booze and partying and MDMA and late nights would have thrown off my life for a week or more. One weekend would turn into a week would turn into a month. One small moment with my guard down, a moment where I allow myself to enjoy life would start a flood of dominos that were impossible to set right.
But not anymore, my work is paying off. Sticking with my routines that strengthen my body and mind most of the time means that I recover more quickly and can get back to them without any serious loss. Now, I can correct the spiral after two days instead of two weeks… and maybe someday it’ll be two hours instead of two days.
There is joy in losing control. There is a thrill as life spirals around me like a skydiver before pulling a chute. Joy in riding white-water rafting, taking drugs, one-way plane tickets, late night parties, and neglecting responsibilities… especially when you know you have a life vest, a day for recovery, friends and family, a warm bed, and plenty of time to do what is needed.
I love that I have a routine that is becoming more stable, but I don’t feel the thrill of life when I’m meditating, reading, writing, exercising, or eating right. Those are all just tools that allow me to experience the life I want without major repercussions. They are ways to strengthen my mental, physical, and social foundations so that I can jump out of that plane again and again and again… and just lose control.