For the last month or so I’ve had an idea floating around my head. I wanted a way for friends, family, acquintances, and strangers to anonymously send me questions or comments. I wanted to do this for a number of reasons, but it was primarily just to provide a forum for me to address any misconceptions people have about me and my views, and to answer questions that people might be embarrassed to ask me if I knew their identity.
Well, yesterday I finally set up a SurveyMonkey form for this purpose and on the first day I received a handful of great questions and comments. I’m going to answer them via my blog (unless the author requested that I not), so today is the first blog post where I respond to questions and comments sent to me anonymously. At first, I was a little surprised that so many of the questions were about sex and sexuality because I’m pretty open about that stuff and discuss it freely, but I guess it is still a taboo subject for many.
If you are interested in having me respond to something or if there is something you want to tell me but want to remain anonymous, feel free to fill out the form (or send me a private message on facebook or email me). I’m going to keep it open indefinitely.
So, on to the first round of responses. I plan on answering them in the order they come in, except when I decide not to do that.
1. How do you and your partner negotiate outside sexual activity? Rules?
My partner and I have a basic set of rules (which I can go into detail about if people are interested) that we’ve established after a lot of communication, but we discuss them fairly regularly (usually while rolling) and how we operate today is different than how we did earlier in our relationship. We are both committed to the primacy of our relationship, but we also both enjoy trying new things, pushing our boundaries, and getting the most out of our lives. So, we have rules but there are some caveats.
First, communication is always open and we adjust the rules to meet certain circumstances and we encourage each other to discuss our feelings regularly. This may mean one of us wants to be more physical than our current rules allow or it may mean that one of us feeling particularly uncomfortable with a situation and we want to act more conservatively for a while.
Second, cheating is not an “extinction level event”. If one of us breaks a rule we will discuss it with each other and figure out how to move forward. That may mean loosening up the rules to allow more freedom or that may mean taking a step back from the open relationship for a while or it may mean that a certain person or circumstance should be avoided until we can process why the rule breaking happened.
2. What does “sexually fluid” mean to you?
To me, “sexually fluid” sums up two parts of my sexuality. First, if someone is a specific gender then I do not automatically disqualify them as a person that I’m willing to sexually interact with. Some people have reported actual disgust at the idea of interacting with a specific gender (usually their own) but I don’t feel that disgust. I certainly tend to be more attracted to women, but I’m open to any circumstance that involves enthusiastic consent from all adult parties.
Second, my attraction to someone can change depending on time and place, or set and setting. If I’m at a rave or festival or in the Orgy Dome at Burning Man I am much more open to an experience that I might not be interested in during my “normal” day-to-day life. This fluidity isn’t only related to gender, it can also be related to certain kinks or other forms of stimulation and experimentation.
So, those are the first questions. I also received a wonderfully nice note from someone who I’ve never met in person who said they appreciate the articles I share on love and sexuality, even though they are monogamous…. I’m glad my sharing is creating value for some people. My favorite thing is helping people safely get insight into a world they are curious about, even if that life isn’t for them. We can all learn from each other and it is valuable to share our stories and experiences.
Thanks for all the submissions, I plan on knocking another couple out early next week. And please feel free to submit any thoughts, questions, or whatever you have about me (https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/XYRDXHH)… there are no limits so lower your inhibitions with your drug of choice and unleash on me. Oh, and if I didn’t answer a question thoroughly enough or you have a follow-up question please don’t hesitate to send those as well.