Since seeing a therapist and getting on Bupropion my anxiety levels have become much more manageable. I very rarely freak out, enter downward spirals, or procrastinate to the point of panic. Life seems much more manageable and not as overwhelming. I am much more at peace with myself, my relationships, and my future.
But, the results of this healing has not been a Pareto superior move. Sure, parts of my life are better off but there has been a cost and parts of my life are worse of. Specifically, my motivation to excel.
Anxiety, a feeling of doom, lack of satisfaction, catastrophizing… those things all lead to me pushing harder and harder towards whatever goal I became fixated on at the time. It as absolutely no coincidence that my motivation to work out has somewhat peetered out. I am still in fine shape and I am much more emotionally satisfied with my fitness level now than usual, but I am not at my healthiest and I have neglected some practices that I really should be doing to become healthier.
Anxiety pushed me very hard because I felt like I had no choice. It was like an eternal Sword of Damocles hanging over my head and my distorted thinking thought I could outrun it if I just had a six pack, fucked enough people, read 100 books an hour, or made a bazillion dollers. That last one isn’t true, even at my most stressed out I never really concerned myself with money. Coming from a poor family and spending literal years without a house means I am pretty comfortable with being broke and in debt. Weirdly, money almost never stresses me out.
Now, I no longer really feel that inevitable doom but I also have yet to develop a healthy way to motivate myself to a place of reasonable moderation. I am no longer at an extreme but I’ve shifted to the other side of the golden mean. I am struggling to find a healthier way to motivate myself, which really isn’t surprising since I am undoing decades of programming.
I wouldn’t undo my decision to see a therapist and seek help, but it hasn’t been a clear path to my desired goals. Progress is not linear and I am facing new struggles with procrastination, excuses, and motivation. I’ve got about 10 days before Iceland and I’m not nearly in the shape I wanted to be. I can’t do anything about the past but I can get things moving again today. I’m going to go for a short run, hit the gym today, and try to get my diet under control a bit.
I can’t start to fight these new challenges yesterday, but I can today.
Wanna stay in touch? Got a question for me? Want to tell me why I’m wrong and are curious how I got everything so backward? Have an idea for a blog post? Drunk and wanna send me a Snapchat? Wanna become penpals and send each other letters in the mail?
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Also, I wrote a book about a cross-country bicycle ride I did!
“Wandering Oak: A Rite of Passage”