I received my first check from Amazon today for the book I wrote and self-published and I have mixed feelings about it. This is the first time that I’ve been financially rewarded for my writing, so I guess that technically makes me a professional writer, but I feel like I kind of cheated. There is something about self-publishing that feels inauthentic to me, or maybe I am just having a hard time “going pro” (as Steven Pressfield would say).

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel like writing my book was easy, but we live in a world with fewer and fewer gatekeepers (which is a beautiful thing) and those gatekeepers serve(d) some good purposes. The open world of writing has created a lot of noise that can make it difficult to figure out what is actually good and it has removed a valuable feedback mechanism that improved the quality of specific works.

I feel like my book could have been better and some of that improvement would have come from a professional looking at it and giving me some feedback and praise. Maybe I shouldn’t care about receiving accolades from the old guardians, and maybe if I viewed myself as an actual writer (instead of just as someone who writes) I wouldn’t care as much.

I love writing. The rush that comes from typing a fury of words while wishing that your fingers could keep up with your mind is exhilarating. The power that comes from molding words and giving people a glimpse my mind is intoxicating. I even love the painful and beautiful struggle that comes each day when I’m staring at a blank screen, or the mental anguish that comes from not being able to find the write word to express how I feel, or the sadness and terror that comes from believing that I no longer have an original thought left. I love writing and I loathe writing. It is my enemy and my

I love writing and I loathe writing. It is my enemy and my sparring partner. It is my best friend and the bane of my existence. It is a new lover whose body I want to explore every waking minute and it is the old partner who has gone cold with time and neglect. So, maybe I am a writer and maybe I was a writer before my book was ever published. I just wish I could convince myself of that.

Post Script: A small housekeeping note. I’ve shut off comments on my blog because I was getting hundreds of spam messages each week and it was annoying me. If you have a comment or question you can send me a message to the SurveyMonkey form I set up or you can email me at pjneiger@gmail.com