I had a really good therapy session yesterday and I’ve been letting the experience marinate a bit. I think putting some “pen” on “paper” can help me internalize the lessons and process. But first, “Airplanes, Part II” by B.o.B. (featuring Eminem & Hayley Williams) came on my Spotify and Eminem’s lyrics immediately reminded me of my post this morning. The crux of it is imagining what the world be like if Marshall Mathers’ life was different and he didn’t fight Resistance. I immediately wonder where I would be, who I would be, what I could have created if the last 9 adult years were spent actively fighting Resistance. How would our lives, the world, be different?
C’est la vie. All I can do is move forward.
Ugh, I love lyrics so much.
So, here they are the lyrics that stood out. Explicit, obvi.
“Let’s pretend Marshall Mathers never picked up a pen
Let’s pretend things would’ve been no different
Pretend he procrastinated, had no motivation
Pretend he just made excuses that
Was so paper thin they could blow away wit the wind
Marshall you never gonna make it,
Makes no sense to play the game it ain’t no way that you’ll win…
‘Cause he never risked shit, he hoped and wished it
But it didn’t fall in his lap so he ain’t even hear it he pretends it.
I arrived at my session like I usually do, with a couple pages of my “Mental Health” notebook scribbled with notes from my morning Therapy Prep session. I had some stuff about my birthday, some ‘negative’ feelings I had been struggling with, and my goals for the next year.
To be honest, I didn’t think it was going to be much of a session and was kind of wondering how we would fill the hour. This is kind of silly because Kayla and I always fill every minute. There is a part of me that is a little bummed that she and I met in such a professional context because I think we could be good friends. But then again, I don’t really know much about her. We seem compatible but that may be a product of our sessions and not actually having something in common. In some ways it is a one-sided relationship and the only time each month when I feel comfortable being a little selfish and talking about me and my problems without worrying about what the other person is going through. Oh well.
Anyway, the part of our discussion that kind of caught me off guard was dealing with my negative feelings. Long story short, I am finding myself jealous and a bit resentful of a friend of mine. I expected some basic to deal with my feelings but instead we dove into breaking down my friend’s behavior, personality, and what is stirring my emotions.
It was so freaking eye-opening.
Instead of simply trying to stop my jealousy we identified some of the personality traits and behaviors that my friend had that I wish I had and how I could build them. Additionally, we identified the personality traits and behaviors that I had problems with so that I could avoid them. I am constantly amazed at how much there is to untangle with human emotions. When jealousy is broken down there are parts of it that can become inspiration.
We also discussed what it was about my friend’s circumstance that triggered these emotions for me (we also talked about a different trigger for me but that isn’t something I’m comfortable putting on paper right now). Part of this discussion was how to manage my triggers. It is nice to have someone support my grief over friendships that could have been, the needs of my inner child, and putting my walls down.
Since starting seeing Kayla there has been such growth in my life. I used to have three basic emotional states: neutral, anxious, depressed. There were moments of happiness and joy (usually when having sex), and sadness or anger, but they were so small and fleeting that they were rarely worth mentioning. I had no excitement, no joy. I had my emotions cut off.
Things are starting to change now. My feelings have more flavor and I’m building the vocabulary to identify these feelings so that I can feel them more fully. I use words like “awesome” so often that it has lost its original meaning, partly because the concept of “awe” didn’t exist. Except maybe when I was doing extreme things like cycle around the country. Maybe that is why I have pursued some of the things I have, because it took an extreme experience to get even a moderate response from me.
Anyway, things are getting better. My life feels, umm, bright and colorful. I see the poetry of the world when I used to roll my eyes at things. And I’m happy. Really happy.
Feel free to reach out at any of the ways below while I take a Facebook break!
Email address: email@example.com
Questions: pneiger.sarahah.com or www.surveymonkey.com/r/XYRDXHH
Also, I wrote a book about a cross-country bicycle ride I did!
“Wandering Oak: A Rite of Passage”